have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
