So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just cropdusted the office
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
