So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
