Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
