I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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