Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
