Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
