My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just want nice things and good sex
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
