I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
