I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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