She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
