I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
