i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
