You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
