i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
