saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
