sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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