My underwear smells like fireworks.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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