I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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