yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
