Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
