I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
