Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
