Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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