i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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