You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
