I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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