I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Holy shit dude........stairs
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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