last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
How external is "for external use only"?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
