I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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