i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
