I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
