you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
