I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
