Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
