Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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