Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
