what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
