i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
