I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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