I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
