I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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