Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
