Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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