Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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