Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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