I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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