i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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