Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
