It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
